The Greatest Stories Ever Written
by Erin Finnlaith
Summary: Just when you thought things couldn't get any wierder...this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same...CHAPTER 6! ^_^v
1. Defense Against the Dark...Fruit?!

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                         

By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                        

  Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 2: Defense Against the Dark…Fruit?!

(Scene: Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Draco are seated at their desks, the new Defense teacher, Professor Major (AN: Don't ask…), is standing at the front of the room.)

Major: Right then! Good day, class. 

All (mumbling): Good day. 

Major: Where's all the others, then? 

All: They're not here. 

Major: I can see that. What's the matter with them? 

All: Dunno. 

Ron: Perhaps they've got 'flu. 

Major: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. As I'm sure you are all aware, we are living in perilous times. With silly creatures such as the Dark Lord running about, defense is of the utmost importance. Today I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit. 

(Grumbles from all) 

Hermione: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week. 

Major: What do you mean? 

Neville: We've done fruit the last nine weeks. 

Major: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? 

Draco: Can't we do something else for a change? 

Ron: Like someone who attacks you with an Unforgivable Curse.

Major: Unforgivable Curse? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against Unforgivables, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking down the street and some homicidal maniac Deatheater comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit... 

All: We done the passion fruit. 

Major: What? 

Hermione: We've already done the passion fruit. 

Draco: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit... 

Harry: Whole and segments. 

Ron: Pomegranates, greengages... 

Draco: Grapes, passion fruit... 

Harry: Lemons... 

Neville: Plums... 

Hermione: Mangoes in syrup... 

Major: How about cherries? 

All: We did them. 

Major: Red *and* black? 

All: Yes! 

Major: All right then, bananas. 

(All sigh.) 

Major: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now this man (gestures to his right where we see Professor Snape standing there looking very annoyed) is going to run at me with a banana. Catch! (Throws a banana to Snape) Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana (Snape runs at Major. Major pulls out his wand and shouts "Avada Kedavra". Snape falls to the floor dead) then, second, you eat the banana, (peels and eats the banana) thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless. 

Ron: Suppose he's got a bunch?

Major: Shut up.

Draco: Suppose he curses you.****

Major: Shut up. Right now you, Mr. Longpants.

Neville: Longbottom.

Major: Sorry, Mr.Longbottom. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. (Neville looks nervous) Now attack me with it. (Neville hesitates) Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Neville runs at Major) Avada Kedavra!

Neville: Aaagh! (dies.) 

Major: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.) 

Harry: You killed him! 

Hermione: He's dead! 

Ron: He's completely dead! 

Draco: (sniggers)

Major: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Longbottom, is now 'elpless. 

Harry: You killed him. He's dead. 

Major: Well, he was attacking me with a banana. So was that Snape fellow and you didn't seem to care very much about him being dead.

Hermione: Well we didn't like him very much.

Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit. 

Ron: (mutters) And dark magic. You looney.

Major: I heard that. Shut up. 

Hermione: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got my wand? 

Major: Run for it. 

Harry: You could stand and scream for help. 

Major: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe. 

Draco: A pineapple? 

Major: (looks around frantically) Where? Where? 

Draco: No I just said: a pineapple. 

Major: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one. 

Draco: What, on the pineapple? 

Major: (dives behind desk, looking panicked) Where? Where? 

Draco: No, I was just repeating it. 

Major: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. (holds up a raspberry) There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Malfront. 

Draco: Malfoy. 

Major: Malfoy. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. 

Draco: No. 

Major: Why not? 

Draco: You'll kill me. 

Major: I won't. 

Draco: You killed Longbottom.

Major: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't kill you. 

Ron: You promised you'd teach us about the Unforgivables. 

Major: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell. 

Draco: Throw the wand away. 

Major: I haven't got a wand. 

Draco: You have. 

Major: Haven't. 

Draco: You killed Longbottom with it. 

Major: Oh, that wand. 

Draco: Throw it away. 

Major: Oh all right. (sigh) How to defend yourself against a raspberry (sneers) without a wand.

Draco: You were going to curse me! 

Major: I wasn't. 

Draco: You were! 

Major: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you little man. You weed... (Draco runs at Major)

(Major pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a pile of books falls on Draco) 

Draco: Aaagh! 

Major: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and a pile of books will fall on top of him. 

Hermione: Suppose there isn't a pile of books? 

Major: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought. 

Harry: Well how many piles of books are just lying around like that? 

Major: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. A pile of books is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others! 

Ron: Like what? 

Major: Cursin' him? 

Hermione: Well what if you haven't got awand or a pile of books? 

Major: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You three, you, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, all of you, a whole basket each. 

Harry: No wands.

Major: No. 

Hermione: No books. 

Sgt.: No. 

Ron: No trap doors. 

Major: Shut up. 

Harry: No rocks up in the ceiling. 

Major: No. 

Hermione: And you won't kill us. 

Major: I won't. 

Ron: Promise. 

Major: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me? 

All: Oh, all right. 

Major: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the raspberries! Right? O.K. Start moving. (Hermione, Harry, and Ron circle Major) Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries is to…release the tiger! 

(He does so. Tiger growls. Harry, Hermione, and Ron scream.) 

Major: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the fruit. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? Come on! I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. You kids don't think I know what you're up to? Not showing up for class and all? Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it... 

(Explosion.) 

Authors Notes: Okay…that was just weird. Anyway, if you can't tell this is a  Harry Potter parody of Monty Python (who couldn't?). Hope you enjoyed it! Don't worry no student was killed during the making of this fanfic (with the exception of poor Neville…that was an accident), Professor Major on the other hand…Oh well. Stay tuned for the next installment: Voldie's Deatheaters! 

^_^v Please leave a contribution on the little review box!


	2. House Elves Strike Back!

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                                   

 By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                            

Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 2: House Elves Strike Back….

(AN: I know, I know. I promised Voldie's Deatheaters, but don't worry they're in here too! ^_^  Warning: House Elf OOCness abounds!)

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(Sketch opens with a pan across Hogsmeade. Hermione does voice over.) 

Hermione: This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of overworked House Elves attacking defenseless, fit young wizards. 

(Film of a group of House Elves beating up two young men in the street, their wands broken and tossed to the side; then several House Elves banging pots and pans, and throwing food. Others can be seen ripping the drapes of the walls and a woman is seen standing on a chair with a look of horror on her face as a group of House Elves closes in on her. Another clip with several House Elves walking aggressively along a street, pushing passers-by aside) 

Fred: Well they come up to you, like, and push you - shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them. 

George: Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood before the House Elves started getting ideas…(looks pointedly at Hermione. Hermione: Hey! Watch it!). Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. 

Deatheater: Well Mr. Malfoy's son, Draco, he don't go out any more. He comes back from meetings with the Dark Lord and locks himself in his room. 

(Film of House Elves harassing an attractive girl.) 

Hermione: What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts? 

First Elf: (voice over) Well it's something to do isn't it? 

Second Elf: (voice over) Yeah! And what do you mean layabouts? You're the one that prompted us to do it! (Hermione: Shhhhh!)

Third Elf: (voice over) It's good fun. 

Fourth Elf: (voice over) It's like you know, well, innit, eh? 

Hermione: Favourite targets for these elves are muggle telephone kiosks. 

(Film of House Elves carrying off a telephone kiosk with a screaming muggle man inside; then painting vulgar slogans on a wall.) 

First Auror: (coming up to them) Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. (they clear off, he performs a memory charm on the muggle man then turns to camera) We have a lot of trouble with these little delinquents. When the students from Hogwarts come in it's the worst - they go mad. As soon as the kids set foot in town they attack. Some days ten or twenty kids get mugged. When we get on the seen the only thing some of these kids are left with only the robes on their backs. Others aren't so lucky…

Muggle Man: Where am I? Who are you? For that matter, who am I?

First Auror: Ooops…

(Film of Ron standing in the middle of the street in nothing but his knickers looking panic stricken.)

Second Auror: Yeah. Those elves strip these kids of just about everything thing. Then they take their money and blow it on Fizzing Whizzbees, Chocolate Frogs, Lemon Drops and Butterbeer. It's madness.

(Film of House Elves raiding local candy shop. The shop is in shambles. Customers are fleeing from the building in terror.)

Shop Manager: Yes, well of course they come here for their sugar fix, especially if we're having a sale. We get chairs ripped apart, tables over turned, candy jars dumped all over the floor, windows broken, all that sort of thing. 

(An Auror shuffles two House Elves out of the shop. Cut to Hermione walking along street.) 

Hermione: The whole problem of these pint-sized felons lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've been over-worked, under-payed, under appreciated, repressed for hundreds of years and they begin to wonder if it is all really...(disappears downwards rapidly) Arggh! 

(Shot of two House Elves replacing manhole cover. They slap each other a high-five. Next, a film of House Elves on brooms roaring down streets, hitting pedestrians and going through an open shop door. One has 'Pay back's a B*tch' on its jacket.) 

Harry: (taking over voice over) But this is not just a House Elves' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs - such as Voldie's baby snatchers. 

(Film of Deatheaters in baby outfits over their traditional robes carrying off a man from outside a shop. Cut to distraught wife.) 

Mrs.Weasly: I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. *sniff* He was only forty-seven. What is this world coming to?! What will the children say?! (cries uncontrollably)

Harry: And on the road too, vicious gangs of used Quidditch supplies. 

(Film of two bludgers, a snitch, three quaffels, and a broom attacking an elderly man.) 

Cornelius Fudge: (coming up and stopping them) Right, fight, stop it. This fic's got silly. Started off with a nice little idea about House Elves attacking young men, but now it's got silly. I insist that this nonsense stop! Right, now for a complete change of mood… 

AN: Well there you have it! Chapter 2! Hope you all enjoyed it! A BIG thanks to all my reviewers: Snake fang, Lina Inverse the Dramata, you-know-who, and Giesbrecht! It the reviews that keep me going! So let's keep 'em coming! Stay tunes for the next installment: The Value of Not Being Seen…

^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!


	3. The Value of Not Being Seen...

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                                   

 By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                            

Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3: The Value of Not Being Seen.

(Caption on screen: MINISTRY OF MAGIC, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 316 PARA 6. 'THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN') 

Hermione: (voice over) In this film we hope to show the value of not being seen. (Scene: Open Field with Forbidden Forest in back.)This is Mr. Gregory Goyle, a Hogwarts student in Slytherin House. He cannot be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Goyle will you stand up please? 

(In the distance Goyle stands up. Mysterious Voice: "Avada Kedavra!" There is a loud crash and a flash of green light as Goyle is hit in the stomach. He crumples to the ground. Camera pans to the right to reveal Harry on the ground rolling with laughter and clutching his wand.) 

Hermione: This demonstrates the value of not being seen. 

(Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland. Hagrid's hut can be seen off to the side.) 

Hermione: In this picture we cannot see Ms. Pansy Parkinson, another Hogwarts student in Slytherin House. Ms. Parkinson will you stand up please? 

(To the right of the area Pansy stands up. A shout is heard, a loud crash and a flash of green light are seen, and Ms. Parkinson leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle. Hogwarts Castle can be seen in the background) 

Hermione: This is Mr. Crabbe, yet another Hogwarts student in Slytherin House. Mr. Crabbe would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens) Mr. Crabbe has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. 

(The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes. A large lake with a squid swimming around can be seen.) 

Hermione: Mr. Draco Malfoy, yet _another_ Hogwarts student in Slytherin House, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Draco is blown up) Yes it was the middle one. 

(Cut to a shot outside of a Hogsmeade with a water barrel, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a stack of crates, and lots of bushes in the distance) 

Hermione: Mr. Viktor Krum of Durmstrag has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the crates, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel. 

(The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Hermione thinks about what just happened…Hermione: Wait a minute…RON!!! Cut to the outside a dark foreboding manor, a large 'R' is scrawled upon the iron gates.) 

Hermione: Mr. Tom Riddle and Mr. Peter Pettigrew, of Upper Middle Essex (AN: I made it up…), chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we owled their house, and they did not respond, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However one of our spies told us where there were. 

(The camera pans around and stops on an obvious looking hut in the middle of the Forbidden Forest, which blows up. Cut to a house with Professor Snape standing out front) 

Hermione: And here is the spy (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Cornelius Fudge lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). So did the gentleman (Lucius Malfoy) who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and was born here.....(another building blows up) and of course his death relatives who are buried here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact) There you have it! The value of not being seen! 

AN: Yet another chapter turned out for your amusement! ^_^ That's two in one day! Not bad if I do say so myself! Hope You enjoyed it! Don't forget to review with your comments, suggestions, criticism, flames, etc…Stay tuned for the next chapter: Just another day at the Ministry…

^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!


	4. Another Day at the Ministry...

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                                    

By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                            

Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 4: Another Day at the Ministry

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(Percy Weasly and Oliver Wood (AN: Yeah I know he doesn't _really_ work for the Ministry, but humor me…) are seated opposite each other at a desk. Between them there is a large window. It appears that they are quite high up in a large office building. Every so often a body falls past the window. They are both working busily. After a pause a body drops past the window. Percy looks startled. Oliver hasn't noticed.) 

Percy: Hey, did you see that? 

Oliver: (looks up) Uhm? 

Percy: Did you see somebody go past the window? 

Oliver: What? 

Percy: Somebody just went past the window. That way. (indicates down) 

Oliver: (flatly) Oh. 

(Oliver shakes his head and returns to his work. Percy stares out the window for a little bit. As he starts to work again another body goes hurtling past the window.) 

Percy: There! Another one! (points out the window) 

Oliver: Huh? 

Percy: Another one just went past downwards. 

Oliver: (scratches his head) What? 

Percy: Two people have just fallen out of that window to their almost certain death. 

Oliver: Oh. Fine. (goes back to work)

Percy: (irritated)Look! Two people (another body falls past) _three_ people have just fallen past that window! 

Oliver: Oh. Well then, must be a board meeting. 

Percy: (thinks for a minute) Oh yeah. (another falls past) Hey! That was Wilkins of finance. 

Oliver: (looks out window) Oh, no, no, that was Robertson. 

Percy: Wilkins. 

Oliver: Robertson. 

Percy: (leans over desk) Wilkins. 

Oliver: (leans toward Percy) Robertson. 

Percy: (standing up) Wilkins!

Oliver:  (slamming fist on the desk) Robertson!

(Another falls.) 

Percy: Oh, wait. _That_ was Wilkins. 

Oliver: That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, something, Wilkins. 

Percy: Very good, um, yeah something . Very good something. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next. 

Oliver: Bet you it won't. 

Percy: (interested)  How much? 

Oliver: What? 

Percy: How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? 

Oliver: Never figured you for a gambler, but all right. 

Percy: Done. 

Oliver: You're on. 

Percy: Fine. (shakes; they look at the window) Come on Parky. 

Oliver: No! Don't do it Parky. 

Percy: Come on Parky. Jump Parky. You know you want to.

Oliver: Come on now be sensible. 

(Cut to Minister's office.) 

Fudge: Hold it! I am here to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once.... (hand comes out of nowhere and pushes Fudge backwards) Arrgghhh! (falls out window) Splat! 

(Cut back to set. Percy has his hands in the air jubilantly. Oliver looks flustered.) 

Percy: It was Parkinson! 

Oliver: No, Johnson! 

Percy: Parkinson!

Oliver Johnson!

Percy: Parkinson!

Oliver: Johnson!

Percy: Loser! 

Oliver: Cheat! 

Percy: How can I cheat? It's not like I'm pushin' 'em!

Oliver:…..er, Cheat! 

Percy: (sigh)

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AN: Well, that was a little strange…Hope you enjoyed it! ^_~  A HUGE thanks to all the people who have reviewed this fic! Claw, oshua, FleneBean, Kei-chan, Dru, moonshade, Galaneagra, Amara, dfgg, Ginavere, and dsaf, I love you guys! You guys are what keep me going! Stay tuned for chapter 5: Pet Shop of Insanity! Remember folks it's a reader's responsibility to review! 

^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box! Thank you!


	5. Pet Shop of Insanity

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                                   

 By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                           

 Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

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AN: PLEASE READ! Again I want to thank everyone who reviewed: The Face of Evil (I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy EVERY minute of it. ^_^), unknown (Awww! Thanks! It does my Slytherin heart good to know I've managed to corrupt someone. *evil grin*), Ginavere (*blush* I try…), ViEiRA (Glad you like it! Don't worry too much. FF.net is just evil sometimes…grrr.), a girl (I am NOT writing all that *giggle*…), and mione (Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion and you have my respect and thanks for being honest.). Thank you all. Now I would like to address something that mione brought to my attention. Some of my readers may have misunderstood what's going on here. 'The Greatest Stories Ever Told' is meant to be a series of unrelated humorous sketches preformed by our beloved (and not so beloved) HP characters. In some sketches there may be a character death or two. In instances like that I do not discriminate based on who's in what house or which characters I like more (you can see this in chapter 3). Somewhere along the line every character is going to get his or her chance at pushing up daisies. Not worry though; they'll not stay dead! Keep in mind these sketches are UNRELATED (meaning one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.) and are meant to be HUMOROUS. Please do not take offense. In fact if there's a situation you'd like to see played out or a specific character you'd like to see tortured feel free to suggest it! I'm all ears!! ~ ^_^~ Tell me what you like about my stories, what you don't like, what you'd like to see done or changed. A writer is nothing without both positive 'and' negative feedback. I can't make it better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Anyway I think I've compromised enough of your time. On to the story! Here it is folks! Chapter 5! Enjoy! (mione, this one's for you.) ^_^v 

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Chapter 5: Pet shop of Insanity or Neville Gets a New Pet…(it's about time…)

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(Scene: Lee Jordan is seen working behind the counter of a pet shop. Neville enters carrying a large birdcage with a lump of feathers sitting on the bottom. Neville walks up to the counter.) 

Neville: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. 

(Lee does not respond.) 

Neville: 'Ello, Miss? 

Lee: What do you mean "miss"? (AN: There's a lot of controversy over whether or not Lee is male or female. For the purposes of this story Lee will be male. Thank you! And now back to our regularly scheduled story!)

Neville: (pause) I'm sorry, (sneezes) I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint! 

Lee: (quickly) We're closin' for lunch. 

Neville: Never mind that. I wish to complain about this owl (holds up birdcage.) what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 

Lee: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hungarian Gray...What's, uh...What's wrong with it? 

Neville: (heatedly) What wrong with it?! I'll tell you what's wrong with it!. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! 

Lee: (glances at the cage) No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting. 

Neville: Look, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I know a dead owl when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. 

Lee: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Hungarian Gray, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage! 

Neville: (sharply) The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead. 

Lee: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting! 

Neville: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Hungarian owl! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(Lee hits the cage) 

Lee: There, he moved! 

Neville: No, he didn't, that was you! You hit the cage! 

Lee: (indignantly) I never!! 

Neville: Yes, you did! 

Lee: (shakes his head) I never, never did anything... 

Neville: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! 

(Takes owl out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) 

Neville: Now that's what I call a dead owl. 

Lee: No, no.....No, 'e's…uh… stunned! Yeah, that's it! Stunned!

Neville: STUNNED?!? 

Lee: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Hungarian Grays stun easily, you know. 

Neville: Um...now look...now look, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That owl is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. 

Lee: (nervously) Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords. 

Neville: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What the hell?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? 

Lee: The Hungarian Gray prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit? Lovely plumage! 

Neville: (heatedly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that owl when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. 

(pause) 

Lee: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! 

Neville: (raises eyebrows) "VOOM"?!?  This bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! 

Lee: No no! 'E's pining! 

Neville: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This bird is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-OWL!! (breathes heavily)

(pause) 

Lee: Oh. Well, I'd better replace it, then. 

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter.) 

Lee: Sorry, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of owls. 

Neville: What do call those then?! (indicates other owls flying around the shop)

Lee: Uh…well, you see…I sold them all this morning.

Neville: You sold them? Then why the bloody 'ell are they still here?!

Lee: Um…the…uh, owners were gong to pick them up later! Yeah, that's it! Later! (smiles proudly)

Neville: I see. I see, I get the picture. 

Lee: (pause) I got a frog.

Neville: NO! No frogs!

Lee: Well, how 'bout a rat? 

(pause) 

Neville: Pray, does it talk? 

Lee: Nnnnot really. 

Neville: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? 

Lee: I guess not…so, you want it or not?

Neville: Yeah, I guess.

(Neville walks out of the pet shop carrying a rat in a cage with 'Scabbers' labeled on the front. Lee is seen inside the shop nailing the owl back on its perch, putting it in the window and patting it on the head. Looks out the window to Neville's retreating form.) 

Lee: (sigh) I make more sales that way…

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AN: Well what'cha think? Hope you enjoyed it! Again a big thanks to those of you who review! It's what keeps the plot bunnies attacking! ^_~ Stay tuned for chapter 6: Deatheater "Nitwit of the Year!" *giggle*

^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!


	6. Children's Hour...ummm...hmmmm....

The Greatest Stories Ever Told                                                                    

By Erin Finnlaith                                                                                                            

Disclaimer: 

N – stands for Nothing, which I have in abundance

O – stands for Other people, who own Harry Potter and Monty Python

T – stands for Trial, which I hope to avoid

M – stands for Money, which I have none of

I – stands for I'm a bum without money

N – stands for Nada, which is what I am getting for writing this story

E – stands for Empty handed, which is what you'll be if you sue me

Summary: Just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder…this happens. Hogwarts will never be the same…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 6: Children's hour…umm…hmmm…

(Scene opens to gentle children's music, we see fluffy bunnies jumping up and down. Cut to children's storyteller (Lockhart) in Hogwarts library.) 

Lockhart: (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Welcome. Here is this today's story. Are you ready? Good. Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magical Cornish Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble, the enchanted wood nymph, in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her... (begins to read silently; eyes widen, then to himself) Is that even physically possible!? (Harry enters vision and pokes him with a wand; Lockhart turns over page quickly, and smiles) 'Old Pettigrew the Death Eater was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved his life of torture and service to the Dark Lord and he loved to hang out down by Knockturn Alley where the men dressed as ladies...oooooh…' (reads on silently, eyes wide and sparkly;  Ron enters vision and tosses a Bludger at Lockhart's head; direct hit; he starts and quickly turns over page)..... 'Kinky', the House Elf, ran the Dinky Winky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingle Dangle Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ...(eyes widen as saucers) discipline? (gulps)... naked? (breaks out into a sweat)... **(**without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!? 

(A large cane enters vision and grabs Lockhart, pulling him from view. Screaming and the breaking of glass can be heard from off stage. Ginny walks out holding a different storybook and takes Lockhart's previously vacated seat)

Ginny:  (opens book and reads) Once upon a time there was a little house deep in the Forbidden Forest. In this house lived a humble wizard and his wife and their seven children. But this story is not about them, it's about their pretty daughter, (smiles cheekily) Little Red Riding Witch. Anyway, in the middle of this deep, dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf, named Draco! One day Little Red Riding Witch set off to take some things to her friend Hagrid who lived on the edge of the forest. The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Witch and thought: "Despite the fact that she's poor as dirt and under normal circumstances I would never even acknowledge her, she looks very good to eat!" The wolf ran up to Little Red Riding Witch and smiled ferociously. "Where are you going my, pretty one?" (gag) "Oh, kind sir, (*cough*yeahright*cough*) to my friend Hagrid's." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf and dashed off through the forest to Hagrid's house. "Knock, knock, knock" went the wicked wolf. The door opened wide, but it wasn't Hagrid who opened it. It was Alastor Moody, England's #2 (If a tad bit touched in the head) auror! For this was not Hagrid's little house at all, but the headquarter of MTMT, the Ministry of Testing Muggle Technology: nuclear division. The wicked wolf was shot down by security guards.(bang bang) So all was quiet and peaceful in the forest again. (Well as peaceful as it's ever going to get…) The humble wizard and his family sold the story to the Daily Prophet for 40,000 Galleons. And MTMT agreed to limit the number of nuclear tests near Hagrid's little house to two on Thursdays and one on Saturdays after tea. The End!

AN: Talk about Fractured Fairy Tales! I hope you enjoyed it! A big THANK YOU to all my reviewers! I love you all! You're what keep me going (that and my plot bunnies…). I should be putting up the next chapter of "Grant Me the Serenity" after this, so for those of you who have been waiting patiently…wait no longer!! ^_^ For those of you who haven't read it…pop on over! It's worth it! Oh and while I'm taking the time to shamelessly advertise my fics…Could some of you go and read "Precious Memories"? I have two chapters up and only two reviews!! (And they're both for chapter ONE!!) *sob* It's very discouraging! *sigh* Anyway, again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! Stay tuned for the next installment! And as always…

^_^v Please leave a contribution in the little review box!


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